I represented criminal defendants for over a decade. Many of my clients were charged with crimes of violence against their romantic partner. Many also had protective orders pending against them. In Virginia courts the path of these cases was simple. He almost always did it. Sometimes he didn’t do everything that was reported. Sometimes, the woman was also violent but did not get arrested. Rarely (almost never) he was falsely accused.

Many of these clients were professionals. Some had security clearances. But all could not accept a conviction for fear of losing their job, and other consequences. So, what I was dealing with most of the time was a guilty client who could not accept the consequences of his actions. Not surprising to anyone, I am sure. If the client had no documented criminal history, he could get a deferred dismissal contingent on completing an anger management course and paying a small fine. That outcome was not ideal for the client, but it was a good worst-case scenario. And that gave me a lot of leverage as his attorney tried to make the charge go away.

The thing about these cases was that the client almost always got what he wanted. As the attorney I was not involved in his personal relationship with the victim. For me, it was the prosecutor’s job to protect the victim and look out for her interests. Some prosecutors took that role seriously, most did not. In most domestic violence cases without serious or permanent injury, the victim would ultimately not appear for court or would agree for the charges to be dropped. Most of the time I think the client pressured the victim with fear of his career jeopardy impacting her and their kids, mortgage, etc. Justice was rarely fully served.

Look, I get it. I understand why a victim would just want something like this to go away quietly. I know why people cave to pressure from romantic partners. But here’s the thing: if this cycle continues, nothing will ever change. And my job, partly at least, is to make change. Once a domestic abuser, almost always a domestic abuser. So why let these people out of trouble without making them pay?

The Harm Is Real — Even When the Bruises Fade

Since leaving the practice of criminal law, one of my missions is to represent classes of crime victims who are historically underserved by the civil justice system. A huge group of underserved victims is females subjected to violence by male romantic partners. Violence can cause physical injuries for sure. But beyond that women face anxiety, unwanted sexual advances, sleep disruption from hypervigilance, stress, shame, difficulty concentrating, and isolation. These are not abstract harms. They are real, documented, and compensable.

You Have Power — And He Is Counting On You Not Knowing It

Along with that, a victim — still processing what happened to her — gets approached by her abuser’s lawyer about resolving the case. She doesn’t know she has power. She doesn’t know that the abuser needs her cooperation far more than she needs him to keep his job.

So, she goes along with dropping charges or simply doesn’t go to court. Or if the abuser has an attorney astute enough to offer the victim money compensation in exchange for dropping the charge, the number offered is insultingly low. Sometimes it is a few thousand dollars. Sometimes less. The victim doesn’t know what her case is worth. So she accepts. Or she walks away with nothing because no one told her she had options.

Victims do have options. And victims have power. The criminal case creates immediate, concrete pressure on the abuser. He needs the case to go away. He needs the victim’s cooperation to get there. That need is the victim’s leverage.

Money Talks. Make Him Spend Some.

Here is the truth: the criminal justice system does not compensate victims. It punishes criminals. And increasingly, it does not even do that particularly well. Deferred dispositions, suspended sentences, and second chances are handed out routinely.

But money is something different. Money is concrete. Money is an admission, in the only language that truly motivates people, that what he did had consequences he could not simply walk away from.

If your abuser is a professional — a lawyer, a doctor, a businessman, a government contractor — he has something significant to protect. His security clearance. His license. His reputation. His career. A criminal conviction can unravel years of professional achievement. He knows this. His attorney knows this. And the moment criminal charges were filed, that vulnerability became your leverage.

A skilled attorney can negotiate a monetary settlement in exchange for the criminal charge being resolved — structured properly, with court involvement, so that everyone is protected and the agreement is enforceable. Beyond money, a settlement can include other terms that matter to you: a protective order, a requirement that he seek mental health treatment, a mutual release of claims, no contact provisions. You set the terms. He decides whether the price of his escape is worth it.

Do not let anyone tell you that seeking compensation makes you vindictive or opportunistic. You were hurt. You deserve to be made as whole as the law allows. And the only thing that will motivate the person who hurt you to do something he does not want to do — write a check, agree to treatment, stay away from you — is the very real prospect that the alternative is worse.

You have power at this moment. It will not last forever. Use it.